The Orks of Tam'urt Chapta 2

Chapta Two: Da Fate ov Tankabell

_{Say of Da Day: "Mmm, beer." –Jamz}


Oric took a seat on the remains of the tank. After a Gretchin had fetched him some more beer and squig meat, he explained everything between bites.

"… It was a 'orrible, filfy day, de sun was ev'rywheres like always, yeah. So, bein' smart like I alwayz is – shut ya yap! – I waited 'till dusk, when da sun wasn't so stinkin' hot. Anywayz, de day before, waz dat day I'd been to yer 'ut near dose squig farms. I didn't 'ave 'nough beer ta git slogged on, so I stole some of Cezzy-Po's doktory juices she 'ad in da garage, 'n' took 'em home wiv me. Needless ta say, on da day afta, when da sun was all hot n' shiny n' stuff, I waz bored n' decided ta take me tank for a ride 'round dusk. I also took all dat juice I stole, in case I got firsty.

By da time I'd left da town, I'd already ran out of Cezzy's juice. It was great! Yeah, made me feel all good n' fluffy, n' stuff like dat. I ended up drivin' me tank frew all sorts o' places. Waste dumps, toxic spills, a village or two, a latrine… It waz great fun. Me tank was capable of chargin' frew da toughest fings, n' no ones could stop me, heh. Evenshually, I smashed frew da fence to ah squig farm. Boy, dat was fun, heh heh heh! Got me a week's werf o' squig meat from dat one. But, dat's where me luck ran out. After squashin' all dem small squiggies, I ran inta a pen which had what I fought was a boulder in it at da time… it waz fwree times bigga den Tankabell 'ere. An' it wasn't no boulda…

ROOOOOAAAARRR! SQUEAAAAL! SNOOOORT! WAAAAGH! It was a SQUIGOFF! Yep, I ran me tank inta a full growed male squigoff. Da biggest Squigoff I'd eva seen! At da time, I found it kinda funny; ya know, runnin' up da arse of da largest lan' animal ya eva seen wiv me tank n' all. But when I dids, da squigoff didn't seem to find it as amusin' as I did. So, da bull squigoff lumbered around ta face me tank, and it went ape shit on me precious Tankabell ta say da least. It reared up, n' stamped me tank flat; nearly crushed me in da process, so I waz forced ta git out. O' course, bein' all pumped up from dat juice of Cezzy's, I fought I could take da beast on by meself, wiv me bare hands. I was so pissed off dat de squigoff had ruined Tankabell, all I could fink 'bout was tearin' dat beast a new one, yeah.

Anywayz, an' so it began - da battle between me an' da squigoff! Heh heh heh! I's stared at da squigoff, right in 'is eyes. 'Is tusks were 'uge; but me high was even bigga! I pulled out me choppa, and ran at da squigoff, wiv me choppa raised in da air. Da squigoff charged me, an' me choppa smack'd inta its lowa jaw, right between's its teef. I clung on, and da squigoff kept runnin' wiv me hangin' off its jaw by me choppa. We was bofe roarin', but I copped a face full'o' squigoff breff… dat got me right angry! I clawed at its big sticky tongue wiv one 'and as it tried ta lick me off its lips. It was like bein' mauled by a squid, or somefin'. Dat didn't really work, so I grabbed me shoota an' started firin' at its tongue. Dat seemed ta really tick it off, so's I found meself bein' flung into da air as it reared its big ugly 'ead, and roared. I was sent flyin', an' pieces of spit slapped me all over; kinda like rainin' da wrong side up.

I began to fall again, only da big maw of de squigoff was below me. If I was sane at da time, I woulda realised I was probably 'bout ta die, but, 'coz I fought I was immortal, I didn't really care much, 'cept 'bout winnin' 'gainst da squigoff. Well, I woulda died, 'cept I fell straight down da beast's froat n' it swallowed me 'ole. It didn' git da chance ta chomp on me, an' dat was what doomed it. I didn' really know wheres I was, but it was all warm n' stinky an' really 'ard ta take a breff. Enraged n' confused, I clawed and tore at whateva me 'ands came into contact wiv.

Evenshually, frew blind daterminashen, I managed ta dig a 'ole frew to da outside, before da beast's stomach acids burned da flesh off me bones. Afta regainin' me senses, or well what senses da juice left me wit, I ran beneef da beast to its jaw. It was roarin' an' stompin', clearly in lotsa pain, yeah. I grabbed me choppa and pulled it outta da beast's lip, an' it swept me off me feet wit a big tusk o' its. I clung on, as it shook its stupid 'ead again, but dis time I didn' go flyin'. Wiv one 'and holdin' me choppa, an' da uv'er holdin' onta da tusk fer life, I madly began ta hack at da root of its giant tusk. It didn' like dat, eiver, an' it started ta run aroun', tryin' ta do what I dunno, but I kept hackin', n' choppin'.

Afta much blood n' pieces of tusk an' flesh bein' frown all ova da place, I was flung off, an' went skiddin' across da ground. I stood back up. Da squigoff was readyin' itself ta charge me again… dis was it, da final showdown. So, when it began ta run, so did I… in da uv'er direction! I ran fasta dan a Stormboy could fly… until I was up against a rock wall. Da squigoff made da erff shake wiv every step; I crouched down, an' as da dumb beast got close, it hit da wall wiv its tusks. I was unscaved, but da squigoff's tusk I 'ad hacked at was knocked loose, yeah.

As da squigoff stood dere, stunned, I grabbed its tusk wiv me hands, an' began ta rip it left n' right, until eventually da tusk was torn from da squigoff. "FER TANKABELL!" I roared, an' began ta beat da dumb squigoff wiv its own tusk, 'till its 'ead was a bloody pulp. And den I tore out its 'eart, n'… hey, where'd ya all go?"

Jamz, Cezzy-Po and Brudz were nowhere to be seen. Oric was all alone. "Stupid gits!" he cursed, and stood up. "Oh well, time fer some beer."

He walked to the kitchen, grabbed the handle, and pulled open the door. The sight which met him nearly made him choke on his tongue. "M-m-my meat! And my BEER! Nooooooooo!"

The fridge door was hanging from one hinge; beer bottles, bones and general trash littered the floor. Jamz sat on the floor chewing on a squig shank; Brudz and Cezzy-Po were standing on the bench, fighting over the last of the beer.

"Mitts off! It's mine!" Cezzy-Po snarled, threatening Brudz with a scalpel. "You already 'ad six!"

"Dok's shouldn' drink beer, 'case deys need ta operate!" Brudz protested, poking Cezzy with a spanner. The last beer bottle sat between them, at their feet.

Oric roared and ran for the beer. "Dat's MY beer!" His attempt was met with two boots and a spanner to the face.

"Don't intarupt us!" Cezzy yelled, throwing an empty beer bottle at Oric who was lying on the floor with a bleeding nose.

A giant burp resinated from Jamz' gullet, filling the room with the smell of a rotting corpse. "When's we gittin to dis waagh?" he asked, standing up and wiping his mouth.

Cezzy lunged at Brudz, scalpel out. "Soon as I git dis 'ere BEER!"

"Over me dead body!" Brudz replied defending herself with another spanner.

Oric was angry. His beer was gone, his food was gone, and he had been attacked by green Ork locusts. Jumping back onto his feet, he yelled at the top of his lungs, "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!"

Immediately, Brudz and Cezzy turned on Oric and the three-way battle began. The prize: fungus beer.

"Mmm, beer," Jamz licked his green lips as he lumbered over to where the beer bottle sat. He reached out with a large clawed hand, and swept it up. He threw it into his mouth, never to be seen again.

Cezzy, Brudz and Oric froze, glaring at Jamz. "Tell me ya didn' jus' eat da beer…" Cezzy whimpered.

Jamz replied with burp. "Uuuurp."

"Dis is all yer fault!" Brudz said, pointing a bloody spanner at Cezzy. "If yer coulda jus' let me 'ave dat beer, den dat glutton wouldn' 'ave ate it!"

"I prefers Jamz avin' it, den you, if'n I's can't 'ave it fer meself!" Cezzy growled.

With a sweep of his scarred arm, Oric tossed the squabbling Orks aside. There was no food left in the kitchen, and he was angry. "I told ya not ta touch me meat n' BEER!" he yelled, frothing at the mouth, blood dripping off his chin. "DIIIEEE!"

Jamz looked around confused. "Eh? Er, wha'eva. WAAAAGH!"

"WAAAAGH!" Brudz screamed at the top of her lungs.

"WAAAAGH!" Cezzy screeched.

"DIIIIEEEE!" Oric howled, flailing a stool at Jamz, and stampeding around the room.

Not wanting to be crushed, Cezzy-Po and Brudz scrambled for the door to the forgery. They left Jamz and Oric to battle it out.

"Wonder what sorta choppas dey's got 'ere?" Cezzy asked, looking around for anything that might be useful in surgery.

Less enthused about stabby bits, Brudz made a bee-line for a nearby scrap pile. "I jus' wanna fix me bike." She grumbled. "Jamz bent sumfin'."


Back at the kitchen, Jamz threw the fridge across the room; it smashed into the wall beside Oric. "What's we fightin' 'bout again?" he asked.

"BEER!" Oric snarled, clearly worked up. "MEAT!"

Jamz shrugged, and raised mechanically clawed hand. "Hmm, okay. BEER! MEAT! WAAAAGH!" Screaming out his waagh cry, he charged Oric.

"BEER! MEAT! WAAAAGH!" Oric replied in a frenzy, and picked up a stool with each hand.


Cezzy couldn't help but grin when she heard the cracks, smacks and thumps from inside the kitchen. "I 'opes I gits ta stich some injuries! Or, maybes I c'n practice me cybork enhanshments! Ooh, hee hee hee!" She cackled with glee, playing with her scalpel.

The Dok walked over to a nearby rack, lined with brand new, shiny, weapons. She was particularly attracted to a large, jagged, semi-circular thing. Her eyes gleamed as she plucked it off the shelf. "Ooh, kinda shaped like ah shpiky rainbow, hee hee! Dis'll be good fer choppin' open da boyz chests, an dere shkullz! Aaaah… heeeee!"

Brudz poked Cezzy-Po in the back. "Why da hells ya curled up on da floor? Huh? What's dat yer huggin…?" She asked, leaning over her sister.

Cezzy began to giggle like a witch. "Ee hee hee hee!" She stroked the semi-curcular hand saw fondly, and held it close.

"I swear I aint related ta 'er…" Brudz muttered, taking a few paces back before turning around. "Oi, Cezzy, stop dribblin' n' 'elp me drag me bike in 'ere. I gots ta fix it, or we's gonna be walkin' ta dis waagh."

Reluctantly, Cezzy scrambled to her feet. "Yeh, whateva… hee hee." She gave her newly acquired saw one last stroke before tucking it under her jacket.

To avoid the crossfire between the two Nobs still loudly arguing in the kitchen, the sisters headed out of the side of the forgery through a roll-up door; Brudz grabbed a length of rope on the way out.

The roll-up door exited out onto an extremely unkempt street. Weeds were growing up through the cracks on the tarred road, the pavement had craters, and strewn here and there was the odd remains of burnt out vehicles.

Brudz grunted. "All the good parts 'ave probably been taken by now…" she said, eyeing off some of the crashed vehicles.

"Still," Cezzy replied, "might be worth a gander anyways, yeh? Maybe dey was too shtupid ta get da good bits."

"Yew jus' wanna see if dere's any bodies in dem vehicles…" Brudz mumbled.

The two Orks walked around the corner of the building, onto the main street where Brudz' bike was stacked (it had crashed into the wall, because the brakes failed – not that it was going very fast to begin with). A group of Orks stood around it - probing it and poking it, trying to get it to work. They had painted blue faces, and wore an assortment of armour and clothing which looked like it had been sewn together from scraps.

Brudz was about to scream out in fury, when Cezzy covered her gob with a hand, and hissed, "Shhh! Dats dah Deff Shkullz clan! They'd beat da stuffin' outta us two!"

The Deathskulls ('Deffskullz', or as Cezzy pronounces it,  'Deff Shkullz') were renowned thieves; they would plunder anything that wasn't bolted down (and even then, they'd do their best to unbolt it). They were most recognisable by their blue face paint, which they believed gained the favour of Gork and Mork, the Orkish gods.

Pulling her sister's hand away, Brudz quietly hissed back, "Doya mind! Ya bloomin' stabbed me wiv somefin'."

"Heh…" Cezzy pocketed a bloody scalpel which he had in her hand at the time when she hushed her sister. "Oops."

The sisters whipped back around the corner, so the Deathskulls boyz would not see them. "What's we gonna do?" Brudz queried. "Dere's five of dem, two of us, and me bike'll be stripped – if not entirely pilfered – to nuthin' but uh few nails!"

"Go back in da forge, n' git Jamz an' Oric." Cezzy suggested.

"Nah," Brudz disagreed, "You go git dem, I'll wait 'ere."

"No way, yew'll be all shtupid like n' try n' do somefin dumb-arshed ta git yer bike back while I'm gone. I dun wanna 'ave ta stitch ya back tageva 'gain!"

"I thinks I gots an idea…"

Cezzy was not impressed; she never trusted plans devised by her sister. "I 'ate yer planz, dey always fail!"

A sly smile crept onto Brudz' cracked lips. "Dis plan o' mine'll git Jamz and Oric out 'ere, dontcha worry 'bout dat'un, Cezzy. I promizez it won't fail, yeh."

Reluctantly, Cezzy agreed. "Alright, wat's dis plan yer got?"

"'Ere, 'old dis fer me, will ya?" Brudz unstrapped her battery pack and kustom blasta from her back, and passed it to her sister.

"Why ya doin' dat?" Cezzy asked, assuming it was part of the plan. "Does I git ter shoot it?"

"I c'n run fasta, wiv out dat strapped to me back." Brudz replied. Before her sister could process the information, she ran around the corner, waving her arms and screaming loudly, "BEER! WAAGH! BEER! WAAGH!"

Five blue heads turned and faced Brudz; they didn't look impressed.

"Beer? Where? I don't see no beer." One of them snarled. "Kill dat crazy lie'n' punk!"

The Deathskulls drew their shootas and sluggas, ready to hack down Brudz. They were already thinking what they'd spend Brudz' teeth on, once they ripped them out of her skull, and how they'd use her bones for décor.

Brudz ran left and right, in circles, but ever closer to the Deathskulls. "BEER! WAAGH!" She kept screaming. "BEEEER! WAAAAGH!"

"Kill 'er!" One of the Deathskulls growled. "Shut 'er gab!"

Cezzy-Po crept close to the corner, keeping hudled to the wall. She didn't want to get shot, but she wanted to see what was going on. She peeked around, and quickly retracted when she saw the Deathskulls had their guns raised.

As the Deathskulls let off their first shots, the wall beside them exploded; a giant Ork in mega-armour emerged, crushing one of the Deathskulls as he landed on the pavement beside the bike. Another Nob emerged, with a giant cigar in his mouth. It was Jamz and Oric.

"WAAAAGH!" Jamz roared, looking left and right. "Where's da WAAAGH?"

"Oo said beer?" Oric said eyeing the Deathskulls, and then Brudz. "Where's me BEER?"

The four remaining Deathskulls looked at one another; they weren't sure what was going on, or whether they should shoot or stab something.

Brudz stopped running in circles, and pointed a finger at the Deathskulls. "Dey… dey stoled our beer… an' waagh…yeh. Dem feevin' turds stoled our beer and waagh!"

In unison, Jamz and Oric glared furiously at the Deathskulls. "Kill 'em!" Jamz snarled. "An' git back our waagh an' beer!"

Oric grabbed a his big shoota that was slung from his back, and shot the closest Deathskull boy repeatedly until he collapsed in a pile of messy goop. Jamz grabbed another, and rammed its head into the pavement so the Ork's brains looked like fig jam (a common signature of Jamz). The two remaining Deathskulls fled, shooting over their shoulders at Jamz and Oric.

"Oh no ya don't, ya blue-faced yella bellied snots!" Cezzy-Po stepped out from behind the corner, with her new chest saw above her head, grasped in one hand. With all her might, she threw it. Seconds later, with a sickening thud, one of the Deathskulls fell to the ground with the saw embedded in the side of his head.

"Nobody touches me bike 'n' lives!" Brudz yelled after the last Deathskull. "Coward!"

"Betta ta be a coward, den ta be deaded!" he replied, running very fast, before he disappeared behind a building.

After pillaging the dead Orks of everything useful including their teeth, and Cezzy had retrieved her saw (as well as several body parts), Brudz tied the rope to the back of her bike. "C'n ya drag me bike into da forge, Jamz?" She asked.

"Where's da beer dey stoles?" Oric grumbled, looking beneath the rubble. "I don't sees it!"

Lying to avoid being obliterated, Brudz replied, "Dem Deathskulls musta drunk it all on ya, Oric. Ya shudda been more quika, yeah… an' dunno where's dey put da waagh, we shud jus' follow dat map Mumzy made."

Jamz, instead of grabbing the rope attached to the bike, picked up the bike and pulled it out of the rubble. "Dis way's betta." He said, and stepped back through the hole in the wall with the bike.